So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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