The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize