i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
