dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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