I didn't shave. On purpose
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I would fuck him just for his dog
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
