My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
