i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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