Will you blow on my dice?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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