Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
