I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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