Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
