oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
