I bet he comes in French.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
