I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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