I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We had to coat check the pizza.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
