paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
