I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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