i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
