please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
