Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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