Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
