Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
