A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
