You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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