Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
