my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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