we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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