theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
