life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
