I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
