At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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