Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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