i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize