I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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