I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
