I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
