I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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