Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize