Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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