Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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