...so i touched it.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
