his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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