my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
