Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
