just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
