why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Randomize
