fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
