Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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