OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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