I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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