What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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