I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
