if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize