So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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