I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
