Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The power of my boobs compel you
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
