I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My ATM looks so different sober.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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