I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Dear god my vagina.
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