I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
