No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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