I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
