i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
