So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I am naked and annoyed.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
