and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
