I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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