haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just gift wrapped bread.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
